Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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