Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
