He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
