im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
