Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
