woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
