the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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