I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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