I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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