I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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