I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
