Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
