K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
