hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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