dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
