you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
