All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
