I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
