Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
