I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
