I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize