I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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