i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
