I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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