The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
