im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she told me i tasted like america
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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