I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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