Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
