Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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