I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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