I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
