Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
In other news, I just burned my penis
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
