I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
