the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
