i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I could fuck to npr.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
