i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
