pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize