my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
