Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
