matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
