Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
