They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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