my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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