It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
