he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize