My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
