Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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