I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
