the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
