I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
