I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
