mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Randomize
