I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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