Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
