My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
