Sry I called you an 8
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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