I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
