My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
