And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
