??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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