running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
