i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize