I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
