ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
